Day 68

I have this horrible lonely feeling I just can’t shake, and it’s distracting me something terrible from an assignment I need to get done today.

This morning I dreamt about being in some sort of army. I was with some people I apparently knew. I can’t remember if they were real people I knew, or if they were made up ones. Anyway, we were marching through some place, and then I saw mine and Kieran’s friend, Jo. I think she was there for a photo shoot or something. Then, Kieran appeared next to her. At first I ignored him. I thought to myself “I hope he spots me. I’ll make him jealous somehow.” Then when I couldn’t bare it any longer, I looked at him. He was giving a big sweet lolita bag in the shape of a rabbit to a girl, fussing over her.

I ran and ran.

I woke up. It was only 9am. I lay there for a while, frustrated about not being able to go back to sleep. The dream played over and over again in my head. “Don’t let it bother you. It’s time to move on now. He’s gone. Forget him.” But things like that are more easily said than done.

As I went about my morning I started thinking about money for expo. I don’t know why its only just hit me, and it’s not until May, but I suddenly realised how hard it’s going to be for me to save up. Before now, for the last 3 expos, I’ve had my accommodation paid for, been given free entry or had that paid for, been given over £100 each time for me to spend and treat myself to things.

I got spoilt terribly, and now this little madam is dealing with the loss of it.

I guess my main concern is having enough money for a cosplay (as the dream of having a different outfit for each day is now gone), as of course appartement money will need to be gained first. It feels horrible, not having someone to help me along. But this is one of the parts of life, I guess. My dilemma really is that if I just didn’t go out at all I’d have the money with no problem, but then I wouldn’t have the chance of meeting someone new…

…

Oh christfuckwankSHIT.

A massive thought has just hit my head that really I wish hadn’t of done.

Tomorrow I’m going to a cosplay picnic in Hyde Park.

Hyde Park.

Where mine and Kieran’s tree was. Engraved with our initials in a heart shape. The place we’d go to in the summer and have picnics. Where we’d lie and cuddle for ages. Then we’d head off to Piccadilly Circus, go to the Trocodero, or wander over to the cinema and watch a film. We’d listen to the music of concerts that would be going on in the park. I’d lie there and smile, gazing up at the leaves, the sunlight beaming down through them, thinking how perfect life was and that I could lie there forever with Kieran. That tree…

Do I visit it?

Will it give me closure?

Or will it just make things worse…

I guess only tomorrow will let me know what I need to do.

I feel very lonely today. The dream this morning didn’t help, thinking about money for expo screwed everything up a bit. It’s not that I want a man who will pay for things for me. It’s more that I want someone to go through that poorness with. To say “Man, we’re so screwed, aren’t we!” and laugh it off with.

I miss the companionship.

The best friend and the lover.

Where are you, you stupid prince charming!? Hurry up and come rescue me already!!

Edit: I’m in a much happier place now. I thought I couldn’t upgrade my phone until December.

I’m now going to be the happy owner of a BlackBerry 8520 Curve with unlimited texting. Much better than having a crappy Samsung with only 100 texts. Sorted!

On the tree business, it’s coming to the conclusion now that if the tree isn’t on my route to the picnic then it shouldn’t be visited. Which makes perfect sense really. I’ve told myself to try to forget him. Bringing up a unessecceary memory won’t help me achieve that.

I hope I meet someone nice tomorrow.

Pretty please?

Day 67

I’ve just come back from my final day at my placement.

In a way, I feel sad that it’s over, and I won’t be in primary schools again until who knows when. On the other hand, it’s a massive relief. I guess I feel like this because it was during my time there that I went through the break and eventual breakup with Kieran.  I’ve now said goodbye to that school and it feels like another piece of the past has had closure. That I’ve managed to take another step forward, that I’ve said goodbye to a part of the past me.

I feel proud of myself, yet I know that if I think about it too much then I might slip into sadness. I guess this is why I’m writing my entry now rather than later on this evening. If I get all the feelings and thoughts out now I can clear my head more quickly.

During my time there, every lunch time I would rush to the staff room, switch my mobile on and call Kieran. I loved being able to hear him half way through the day, for us to vent to each other. Hearing a loved one’s voice was relaxing, a short escape from the work day.

I also remember the time I walked down the road from the school one lunch time, nervously speaking to him. A week into the break. It was like walking on eggshells. I was so scared of saying something wrong, just desperatly trying to make him laugh and smile…to love me and only me.

I know now that’s gone and it’s never coming back. I don’t want that back anymore. Not with him anyway. I want that feeling with someone else though, I know that to be true. It’s wonderful to be able to call someone and say “Hey baby, how’s your day been?” and to have the same asked back. To see a loved one ring you and feel your heart skip a beat, that happy sudden lurch in your stomach as you rush to answer the phone.

Randomly, Facebook decided to tell me that a few of my friends had commented on one of Kieran’s status. Curiosity got the better of me. It wasn’t the status I wanted to see. I clicked his name. It was the relationship status I wanted to look at. I knew what it would say, I just felt the need to see it with my own eyes. A tinge of sadness hit me as I read it. But then, a small hint of hope hit me. I didn’t cry. I didn’t want to go complain about it to everyone.

A teeny tiny bit of me….started to accept it.

Day 65

5am.

I can’t remember the exact dream I was having, but it involved Kieran in some way. I can’t remember if I dreamt we were together or not. Unfortunatly every time I went back to sleep it would happen again, and I’d wake up 5 – 10 minutes later. I was not happy getting up at 6:30 after a poor sleep.

I also wasn’t best pleased that I’ve woken up with sniffles after lying in bed and challenging life to just “do whatever”, because I’ve decided its won and can do what it likes from now on, I’ll just take it. It’s taken that to heart obviously, and given me a cold. Ta.

Placement slowly moved along. I’ll miss the children and the staff when I leave on friday. This placement has been nothing like my last one, which was truely epic, but I do still feel I had a good time. My next placement, which starts after half term, is with my friend from secondary school. She had twins six weeks ago. I’m so very excited, not only because the babies are adorable and I’ve never worked with children that young before, but because I’ll be hanging out with Hannah a lot! I find it amusing that my friend is now going to be my supervisor for the next couple of months. Roll on the good times!

When I got home Kieran spoke to me. I know he was trying to help by saying I’d be fine, but I just seemed to lower and lower into more depression until I was reduced to tears. I felt so helpless and alone. The hows and whys rang through my head, making me feel like curling up into a ball. And then Jason helped me out.

I asked for us to go on Skype, a regular thing I seem to be doing now. I ended up crying to him over the microphone. All upset for anything that happened yesterday was gone. I just wanted comfort from a friend. And he sure delivered.

I believe I briefly heard a very wonderful side to Jason. His voice was so soft and caring. “Come on now…what’s all this for?” He made me feel silly for crying. He offered some beautiful advice, and it was soon I realised that he was repeating to me what I’d told him to do when he was low about his ex. “Forget her! Move on. What are you worrying about her for? You’re not with her anymore, why do you care?” I had told him many times before, and now here I was listening to him dishing the same advice back out to me. Why should I care so deeply? He’s only a friend now. He’s not a main part of my life. However, whilst Jason’s ex seems to be a pretty harsh girl who’s given him the cold shoulder for no reason, Kieran IS trying. So whilst I need to get on and stop these bad feelings, I do need to carry on caring like I would for any friend. I just need to majorly lower the level of what I’m feeling I guess.

Kieran messaged me asking if I’d got an earlier message, but I was in the shower. By the time I got back, he’d gone offline so I couldn’t send him a message back. I left a brief email, saying I appreciated him taking time with me, but that I was at a low I have since clambered back out of for now. I hope he reads that soon, just so he knows we’re cool.

Is that in itself too caring? Then again, I worry whenever I upset a friend and I’ll go out of my way to check that things are alright between us. So perhaps I am doing alright? Goodness knows.

2 more days of placement to go. Another piece of college work done, one assignment to be done for monday. Cosplay picnic and maybe, if any of us have enough cash, a trip to see Ponyo. 2 days of college next monday and tuesday, and then freedom for half term.

I hope Valentines doesn’t go wrong. I’m going to Jason’s and Jake is coming from Wales to crash over.

They’re going to make me breakfast in bed for Valentines Day.

If this happens, I’ll be major happy. Love those boys majorly. <3

Day 64

Why is it that good days, at the moment, seem to just spiral downwards at the end?

Today there was cosplay bowling in the evening with the Essex gang. Even Jason was going.

I had a half day at college, which made the morning whizz by. I was so excited to be spending the aftertoon with Jason, just hanging out. He ended up being 45 minutes late. I was worried he’d ditched me at first, or gone to the wrong station, but when he arrived all worry and upset went away and I just enjoyed my time with him. We wandered the shops, sat and spoke for ages, had a laugh.

6pm came and we met up with Connie, Kitty and other girls at the train station. We headed off to the bowling and soon the whole group was all together. Bowling was a right giggle. I dressed as Where’s Wally, someone else was Black Star, there was a Bobobo…Everybody was all laughs and smiles. I never did get a strike, and only one split, but Jason did his best to help me out and encourage me.

We all ate together at the bar. I shared chips with Jason. Everyone was highly amused when I ate something I didn’t realise was spicy and then stood up flailing around and squeeling. Unfortunatly drinking beer didn’t help the taste go away. I leaned on Jason a fair bit, trying to catch his eye. I thought to myself “Hey…just maybe…”

I called Dad to come pick me up at about half 10. I persumed people would still be around by then. I was prooven wrong.

Connie and Kitty needed to leave. Unfortunatly everyone else was leaving, so Jason wouldn’t have a clue how to get back to the station. “Would you mind if I got a lift with you to the station?” he said. I was sure it would be fine. However he then decided he was going to go with Connie and Kitty.

“But…I’ll be on my own for 25 minutes!”
“Sorry.”

I sat there in utter misery for those 25 minutes, feeling horribly uncomfortable. I hate being on my own, at night. It scares me witless. I’d wanted to speak to Jason on my own, tell him how I was feeling about us.

Then, right there, I gave up.

I give up on men.

If this is how I’m meant to be, then so be it, because right now I have very small faith that this life is going to get any better. I shouldn’t of trusted again. I shouldn’t of even dared to think that it would be possible. It’s just not happening.

In the car tonight:

“Ellie, I’ve heard some bad news about Swede.”

Swede is an old friend of Mum and Dad’s. He’s an absolute legend. Whenever I’ve been around him he’s had a smile on his face, and people have loved having his company.

He’s in hospital with throat cancer.

They’re taking out all his teeth to give him radiotherapy.

What. The. Fucking. Hell. Life?

Do what you want, life. I give up. C’mon. Throw whatever you want at me. I don’t know if you could really surprise me with pain anymore. I’m slowly going to grow immune to it at this rate.

Day 62

Yesterday was a really lovely day.

The plan was to meet Jamie at Portsmouth and Southsea at 12, so I was up and out of the house by 8:20am. The journey took me just over 3 hours, but I actually quite enjoyed it. I’ve always enjoyed travelling by train, especially to places I’ve never been to before. Going through London was slightly odd. I didn’t feel the excitement for it that I usually do. Perhaps it was simply because I was only passing through.

The journey from Waterloo to Portsmouth left me in absolute awe. The scenery was incredible. Blue skies, hills, woods, streams and rivers, farm animals, beautiful little buildings scattered among the landscape. I was absolutely blown away particularly by a park in the lead up to arriving at Woking. Rolling hills, trees lining pastel green pathways, the overall soft and gentle look of it. I now have a “Things to do before I die list” due to that place. I have to visit that park with someone I hold dear to me, on a beautiful sunny day, and have a picnic.

I arrived at Portsmouth and Jamie arrived pretty soon after that. I’ve only ever hung out with Jamie for about 10 minutes in real life so it was lovely getting to know him more. Our conversations picked up quite quickly after about 5 minutes, which was a nice relief. We wandered around the shops, looking at dvds and games. We went into CEX and I ended up buying “Rayearth” and “Amon Saga” at the grand total of £4. Then after buying that I noticed “Elite Beat Agents” for 4 quid. Oh. My. God. What a game. <3

We ended up going to a pub called The Registry, which Jamie has raved about and now I can see why! It’s a very cool pub, nice interior. He bought me a strongbow and then later I had some curly fries. I’m an absolute lover of curly fries. The flavour….gaaaaaaah *drools* Jamie was slightly surprised by this point that I’d had a giant baguette and chocolate on the train, felt full, yet was still eating curly fries. I’m sorry, but those beauties were too much to pass up on!

Later on we went down to the port and the beach. It’s so gorgeous down there. I love the sound of the sea. The excitement when you know just over a hill or a wall that the sea is right there. Jamie was completely immune to it but I fussed over it and took lots of photos. We sat on the beach after lots of walking (I hated how lengthy that walk was! What a woman I am ;P) and Jamie tried to trick me into believing the Isle of Wight was France. Jamie says “Look! That’s Notre Dame!!” and points to a random tower poking out of the middle of the island. “Right then, where’s the Eiffel Tower?” I ask. He pauses for a moment and then comes up with the brilliant answer of: “Behind that hill……that’s Le Hill de Paris don’t you know!!”

We then headed off for fish and chips, with Jamie now believing the song Bowie sings to Ricky Gervais in Extras is about me. Ta love. <3 We then slowly go back to the train station, getting lost along the way and having lovely conversations about films, which Jamie seems to get angry about very easily. It’s highly amusing to hear him rant about it.

It was great seeing him for the day. I feel I’ve got to know him a fair bit better and he’s nice to have a relaxing time with. It made me smile when he said “we should do this again”. Having wonderful friends like that who want to see you again, to hang out with you…it makes me so happy.

The journey back was…hmm, eye-opening.

The Portsmouth train went quite quickly. I hopped onto the tube. A fully decked out in Japanese brand lolita got on with her boyfriend. I stared in absolute shock and amazement. I’d never seen a lolita out and about except for at expo. She was beautiful, and her boyfriend was really cute too. She had a pink and purple outfit. Her dress was full of cakes and sweets, and she had an adorable purple knit cape with teddy bears on the front. Her wig was supreme too. A light purple with curls. When I got off the tube I asked her about her dress and if it was Angelic Pretty. She said she was really surprised I knew what it was. I felt slightly pleased with myself, and that I’d seen her.

Then on the rest of my tube journey I started to get a bit down. Couples seemed  to be everywhere. “Sometimes you look past the good ones cause you’re trying to hard to see them” drifted through my headphones. Gee, thanks Will Young. I could feel myself wanting to curl up and not look. Apparently I’d got on the same carriage as the lolita and her boyfriend, but they were on the other side. I could see them getting cosy and holding on to each other.

I miss wearing lolita for someone. Being told I look adorable and having someone take a keen interest, pointing out things they like, helping me to choose. Since Kieran left me I haven’t looked at lolita at all. I’d love to wear it again, but I have no one to wear it for, and I can’t wear it on my own in Essex, that’s just asking for death. I wish I could do it again. Find someone accepting of it. It hurt so much to think about. I hadn’t realised how terribly I missed it, and how alone it made me feel.

I stood in Liverpool Street, gazing up at the board, waiting for my platform number to come up. Still more couples happily walking through, holding hands, chatting to each other, laughing away. Hand holding, the laughter…more things I long for and miss.

“Hope it changes, hope my life changes”

It didn’t really register at first. Will Young happily singing in my ears (alright alright, I got his greatest hits for Christmas. Move along!) about changes. I grumbled to myself, thinking nothing could possibly change for the better for me. I started to look around the station more. People, people, couples, couples, Wasabi, couples…..WASABI!?

There it was, in all its glory. A Wasabi had opened up in the station. For those of you who don’t know, this is a chain that sells sushi in single pieces or in bento boxes. I love sushi, I swear I could eat the stuff all day.

The platform number for my train popped up. I started walking. Then I stopped. I looked back around at Wasabi.

“So there’s nothing much to lose.”

I sat on the train, stuffing myself with gorgeous sushi.

That small change in the station had perked up my sadness. It had been unexpected, and it’s only a shop selling food. But that small change had helped. It had helped me take a step forward. It made me realise that change can be a wonderful thing. Loosing Kieran was a big change. I lost visiting London every weekend. I lost seeing friends on a regular basis, being able to go out till the early hours and then return to what I called home. I lost the lazy weekends where I’d sit in David’s room and we’d all chill. I lost a person who I loved in a way I had never loved before. I was thrown away.

But now, I do wonder. Was that change something which will ultimately be for the better? I still can’t quite see how it’s done much good for me, as I’m alone, jealous and longing for love. I may be in great pain at expo, a place which is meant to be my twice yearly escape from the bad. I have to expect to see Kieran in places I’d rather not, when I’m still trying to move on.

But…I’ve had a pretty good month.

Who would of known that by the end of January I would of kissed a guy, been confessed to twice by one guy and once by another, slept and woken up cuddled up next to a guy, got drunk beyond belief and had the time of my life with friends, visited London more than planned, visited Portsmouth and met a friend properly for the first time, started to plan for my life.

I hope February was as good as this month was. Bring it.

Day 59

I feel as though I’m at some slightly difficult/annoying midway point between the break up and acceptance.

I no longer feel love for Kieran, and I want to get over him. I haven’t cried about him in nearly 2 weeks (I have about other things, but not him), where a while ago I’d be lucky if I went a day without crying over him. I’ve come a fair way in the past 2 months I feel.

My last breakup, from a guy called Ross, went so much more slowly. I seemed to be stuck in never endling lonelyness for 8 months, until Kieran showed up. I guess I’m proud of these last 2 months, as I seem to have picked myself back up a lot more quickly. I’m a lot more determined. I still have god awful days where I feel heartbroken and lonely, but is that perhaps a normal thing for someone single? To have mostly good days, but also to have those days where you think “Where is he”?

I know in my head that if mister right were to come along now I could quite happily face Kieran again. Is that bad of me? That having a new person would instantly sort the problem? Perhaps it is, but I know in my heart that it would fix things. I’d have no reason to feel lonely, I’d have someone brand new to share memories with, to care for, to eventually love. Unfortunatly that hasn’t happened and all I can do is dread the jealousy and pain I will feel when I see Kieran again, and even more so when I see him with Natalie or near Victoria.

A few friends have been going through similar situations recently, and as horrible as it is that my friends are sad, at the same time it’s nice to be able to relate to people. And I know I’m stronger, as I feel ready to be able to reach out and help without feeling “Oh no, this is like what happened to me. I feel so upset by this”. All I want is for people to never experience what I did. For me to hope and pray they do better than me, that they fix quickly and are ok.

Who knows where life is taking me right now, but I sure hope something pleasent and exciting comes along soon.

Day 57

Nothing major has happened in the last two days, but it’s come to the point where I’m really begining to enjoy writing, even if it’s only for my own joy.

I’m in my work placement for the whole week instead of just 3 days, and boy am I tired already. Being a student has made me terribly lazy. Why can’t we all just start work at midday! I’m going to Portsmouth to see Jamie on saturday too. I think a very long lie in is required on sunday!

Placement is interesting (and due to the confidentiality of this following part I’ll be giving fake names to the children or trying not to give one at all). We’ve recently gained a new boy in Year 2. He can get angry extremly quickly, and he hates any change. I do wonder if he’s actually got Autism, as he takes some things very literally, but it’s not my place really to interviene. He’s can be so sweet and he’s extremly bright, but if any child accidently bumps into him for example he’ll take it personally, scream and shout at them and also threaten to kill us all.

I don’t know why I’m attached to this child. He’s screamed at me before, told me I’m annoying, attempted to hit me. But then at other times I’m able to calm him, and he opens up and talks to me. He’s fascinating to listen to. He’s very logical and questions things a lot. In some ways he’s developed greatly beyond a 6/7 year old boy, yet in other ways he’s way below that mark.

I wonder whether perhaps I’d be any good with special educational needs children. I enjoy the challenge. And I love getting a child who’s had a tough time to smile and feel happy.

Everything else in life is slowly plodding along. A Valentine’s Day Cosplay Ball has been organised in London. Fingers crossed I’m going with Jason, our friends Rikk and Jake, and also Ed and his friend from up North. I’m so excited, and I’ve managed to get all the boys hyped up about wearing suits and shades. We joke they’re my bodyguards for the night, as I’ll be the only girl. My outfit…hm…people can wait to see that, if they don’t already know!

Kieran may be there, but right now it’s not bothering me too much. I guess I’m settled by the fact Natalie won’t be there. I’m not ready to see them together. However, seeing Kieran on his own I do feel more comfortable with, and may be a suitable next step. We shall see.

It makes me laugh how there’s a sudden interest in my blog. The aim of this blog was simply to vent, yet somehow I seem to have people commenting. Now not all of them have nessecarily been comments I agree with, but it’s good people have taken the time to comment. Their opinions have made me think, helped me assess my ideas and consider if I’m making the right choices. I’m happy that people have read and followed along. Please feel free to carry on, or to leave if you wish. Thank you everyone.

I’ve had it questioned why I write, and been told nobody cares. That’s fine, I’m not bothered. I’m here, as I’ve said before, to vent.

I leave you with this. Simple because it’s bloody awesome.

Day 55

Today has slowly got better with time.

I spoke to Mum about what happened between Rach and I. She suggested I just apologise for not going to see her and arrange a date where I could go see her for the whole day. I swear my Mum knows how to sort out everything. I spoke to Rach briefly and then left it there. Fingers crossed we’ll be ok soon.

Kieran messaged me and told me not to give up. He’s offered to lend me £800 to help me when the time comes to move house, and I’ll pay it back to him when I have a job. He hasn’t given me a deadline or any penalty for borrowing it. Apparently he trusts me due to dating me for a year and a half, and it upsets him that I’m not happy. All he asks is when I finish college I actively look for a job and do my best.

Why do I deserve that? I just don’t get it…but I’m ever so grateful. I’ve sworn to him and myself that the money is solely for moving house. I just wonder now if I’ll get the money. I’m trying not to get excited or hope, to plan ahead. I’m worried it won’t happen and then I’ll be let down again.

I wonder when will come the time when I can trust again?

Jason has offered to let me move with him. I’m unsure about this though, as I don’t know if he’d want me living with him long, or if he hopes I’ll get a job and then get my own place.

I really don’t want to be stuck in Essex. As much as it is beautiful in this little village there’s nothing here for me. No people my age, no shops, no buses directly into the village. London has everything I want and need. If there’s a way I can do it…I just can’t stay here.

Will life ever go my way and stay like that?

Is there someone out there for me, who will never leave my side? If so, could he please hurry up and get here….I need him.

Day 54

Great day in Norwich. Met tons of new people and had lots of fun.

I come home to find Rach having a go at me for not going to visit her whilst in Norwich. I feel awful.

Jamie tells me he might need deposits for houses by next month. That I might not be able to go with them. That his Mum doesn’t like the idea that I’d be jobless and not able to pay rent.

I’m not going to London anymore.

WHY DOES EVERYONE LEAVE ME. Why…

My dream of moving to London was allowed to become true again. Someone wanted me to move with them. Someone who wanted me there…

Why does everyone go away in the end?

I’m all alone again…

Edit: Why does this happen? Why are my dreams being crushed?

I don’t know why I want to live in London so desperately. I just always have. And now, after loosing Kieran and loosing the chance to live with Jamie, that’s twice I’ve lost it.

Why can’t I have and KEEP something in my life that makes me excited and happy? Why does life wish for me to live this on my own? All I want is some happiness… Why am I being punished for dreaming?

From now on I refuse to hope and dream. It’ll only end up back here with me in pain. I give up on loving and trusting. I’ll only have my heart broken again. I give up on getting over Kieran. I’ll just deal with it. This is all bullcrap and I deserve all the pain I get from seeing him happy.

It would appear I am,

simply,

just not meant to be happy.

Day 52

So it would appear I no longer have bitching rights that no one wants me.

Jason confessed he liked me.

Oh shite.

The thing is, I did like him. But then he started mentioning “But you or I might find someone else. Let’s just be close friends for now.” so even though I’d said I’d wait I kind of ended up moving on anyway. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, he has feelings for me again.

I felt god awful rejecting him. I don’t believe I’ve rejected many guys in my life, if at all.  The guilt is crazy, all for simply “I’m sorry but no.”

He’s ok now, he’s speaking more and I think we’ll be fine.

Just….wow, that was a bit of a shock.

Well. It was an experience, and perhaps even a step forward in that I was able to reject someone who I believed wasn’t right for me, instead of snatching up whoever and hurting the both of us at a later date.

Urgh.

It’s also decision time for me. I had a letter from the NHS today. They want me to go for a hospital appointment on the 28th of February. Y’see, I suffer from kidney infections, yet nobody seems to be able to tell me why I suffer from them. Eventually I got transfered to a urologist and he wanted to get my bladder tested. This involved a dingity loosing procedure where I had a tube stuck up you know where, had liquid pushed into my whilst being x-rayed, then had to pee it back out. Being watched. Needless to say I cried out of embarassment a lot, freaked when a MAN entered the room with no warning and ended up having to go to the loo to actually do anything. Anyways, they found nothing wrong with me.

Now they want to stick a camera inside my bladder. Same procedure basically, but the doctor promised me it’d just be women. I don’t care. It horrifed me enough the first time. Anything involving down there had me repulsed for weeks. My doctor suggested that if my kidney infections didn’t come back I could cancel the appointment, and just make it again when they come back. They haven’t properly come back since I split up with Kieran. I’m begining if somethings up with that… (they didn’t start till after I’d met him.)

I guess that’s what I’ll do. I’ll cancel for now and then do it if it happens again.

Jamie has me hyped up beyond belief. I’m going to be living with him, and 3 boys called Harry, Sid and Max. I think they’re all media students. Well, at least I know my number of films and programmes watched is going to shoot up due to them!

J has basically started looking at student houses for 5 bedrooms. It’s pretty expensive business but I reckon we could afford it. Just please life, NOT PECKHAM. Or at least a nicer part of it…..with cheap rent? =D

Here’s today’s song, because I never believed dubbing was any good until I heard this. It’s an english version of “Paper Moon” from Soul Eater. My favourite line has to be “I would smash the stars and use them as a sign to guide you”. It’s so kickass and awesome. I hope one day I can find the person for me who I can smash stars for. <3