I knew at some point I’d have to get tested to be on the safe side. After 4 partners, 2 serious and 2 flings, it was time.
I was ready to go, I’d booked my appointment and after tons of kidney infections I could pee in a cup for England. What I hadn’t realised was that it also included a swab and blood tests. I’m terrified of needles and after a hospital appointment involving tubes going where I swear to god they shouldn’t have, I was freaked out.
Jenni and Katie sat with me for a while talking me through it, as I was crying, but all I’d wanted was a hug. I ended up texting Kieran. I’m not sure why.
The girls left and I suddenly full on started crying. I’d been attempting to not sacrifice my eyeliner, but it happened anyway. When I’d calmed down I went over to the window and gazed out over the college. The weather has been stunning really. It should of been lifting my mood like it always does when spring starts to roll round. Watching happy groups of people walk through the car park, I wondered why I wasn’t feeling like that too.
I’d also found out that I’d failed my exam coursework, which slowly brought me down over the day. It had to be submitted at the beginning of January, so of course I’d been working on it during my break and break up with Kieran.
As I stood by the window I heard the door go. Expecting it to be Jenni and Katie I turned round, but it was 3 random girls staring at me. “Ah, sorry…” I mumbled, fumbling with my things. “You can stay…you know…” one of the girls said nervously, obviously realising something was up. “No no it’s cool.” I quickly responded, and I left the room. I ran upstairs to the toilets and tried to collect myself.
“Man up.” My phone said. I stared at it. Kieran had just texted that to me. Of course, he’d done it in a nice way, but those two words had stood out. Memories rushed back to the first week I was single.
“You need to toughen THE FUCK UP.”
Ed had been strict on me, and it had always stuck with me. He never babied me, just supported yet told it as it was.
Seeing Kieran do the same now suddenly hit a nerve, and I could feel courage building. I was still upset and scared, but it pushed me forward.
The appointment happened, and I got through rather well. It was a lot less hectic than the hospital had been, and I was only with 1 female nurse. Seeing other girls going into the clinic for similar things settled me, and everybody was calm and understanding. I get my results next friday, and I’m quite confident I’m ok, but now I’m glad it’s done.
This evening I’ve realised that it’s time now for me to start the “man up” process, and I need to fight on and try to ace this exam coursework, and confidently hand it back in knowing I’ve tried my hardest. I’m trying to find new techniques for when I feel a bad thought coming into my head. For now pushing out my hands in front of me, as if I’m pushing the memory away is working quite nicely (and allowing me to stretch lots!).
Fingers crossed I can keep finding methods to help me push onwards. GAAAR.
