It didn’t work between Aaron and I.
By day 4 he was adamant that he loved me. I didn’t know how to react, and awkwardly I felt myself slip further and further away from him. There was no buzz there. No excitement of a new boyfriend. I had no idea whether that was due to the fact that I hadn’t actually got over Kieran yet, or that he just wasn’t the one for me. Over the past few days it’s become clear that perhaps it’s a mix of both.
Essentially on the Tuesday I’d felt a weight lift when I’d told Aaron that I just couldn’t do it. Straight off the bat he was upset clearly, I felt bad, and he didn’t want to talk. Eventually he came back to chat though, and over the past few days the air has cleared thanks to support from friends and family.
As the days moved on, I suddenly found I was in more than a spot of bother. Suddenly everything I looked at would remind me of Kieran and memories. I was suddenly very aware I was single, that I wasn’t finding the right person and I was stuck back where I began.
Originally it was thoughts of our holiday in Brighton. I’d loved every moment of that holiday. It was just him and I. We had little money (only really enough for food), but we didn’t care. We were happy with each other’s company. I remember when we’d both went dashing into the sea, screaming and laughing because it was so cold. (It was the week that England hit Caribbean temperatures. We went in the sea the day after that said week died.) Kieran’s eyes were lit up and he couldn’t stop smiling, laughing, screaming when waves crashed over us. Then when I’d got out he was begging for me to get back in. Part of me wishes I had now, as I feel I’d let him down. The beach brought so much joy to him. To us.
Then my thoughts started to drift to smaller memories. I passed a Connexions building, and was reminded instantly of the one in Willesden Green. I’d stand and look at the jobs in the window for ages until Kieran dragged me away, fed up. I always looked though, with excitement that one day I’d be looking for a job for real, because I’d be living with him.
I remembered the parks we used to go to. The one time on a gorgeous summer’s day we’d gone to Willesden park and sat with sketch pads for hours, listening to music and enjoying the warmth. Taking breaks every now and then, and cuddling up together.
The summer.
Over the past 5 years I’ve always had someone I truly adored to spend my summer with. I’m a July baby, and to have a boyfriend share that with me has always been so wonderful. I feel great, and feel like my life is complete.
Now I fear that this summer I shall be on my own, and before I know it, it’ll be fading into dreary old winter again. Summer, I imagine, is a time when a lot of people’s moods boost dramatically. I know this is the case for me. Sunshine and picnics, beach trips, laughter, smiles. I fondly wait for it to come around every year, and then never want it to leave. A time when friends come home from uni, people have time off work and everybody just wants to have fun.
Now I’m scared of it. I don’t want it to come.
I don’t want to be on my own this summer, now I’m so adjusted to it.
I’m scared, once again, to be on my own.
