This morning as I stepped out the house my mood was cleared for an moment as sunshine and warmth hit me. In my mind, spring had arrived at last. It possibly perked up my mood, but I was still unable to shake completely how I was feeling.
Day 87
Saturday had arrived and it almost felt like judgement day in some ways.
My date with Aaron was today.
It was also finally time to see Kieran face to face for the first time since the breakup.
Arriving at Victoria Station I pulled my scarf off of my head, to avoid getting my perfectly straightened hair drenched from rain, and stood for a moment taking deeps breaths as I adjusted it back around my neck. “It’s ok…this is it. Get yourself ready now.” I said to myself as I began to enter the station.
I’d agreed to meet Aaron outside WH Smith. I’d been flirting non-stop with him over text for the whole week and now the day was finally here that I would see him. As I arrived outside the shop I couldn’t see him anywhere. Just as I was pulling out my Blackberry I found myself being swept up into someone’s arms.
Aaron held me for a moment, then lent down and kissed me. I stared up at him briefly. I’d never dated a man that much taller than me, as I stand at 5 foot 8. He loomed over me at 6 foot 2. Suddenly we were moving again. Aaron was obviously not a person to hang around. He chatted lots, teasing me. I couldn’t help but notice though, that regardless at how much I looked at him, he wasn’t able to make eye contact with me very well except for when kissing me.
As we stood waiting for the tube he pulled out the box set of Chobits. He’d told me had 2 copies and that I could have it. I beamed a smile as he passed me the box, wrapped in a white bow. Then he handed me a box of Mikado. I was thrilled.
We shared Mikado together on the tube and chatted away. He leaned over, wrapping an arm around me and whispered to me.
“Will you be mine?”
It wasn’t exactly the most romantic place to do it, but his voice made me melt and I instantly said yes.
A while later and we were at the Japanese Arts Festival in Richmond College. We sat and watched martial arts on the stage for a while, I saw a few people I’d met at the Norwich meet back in January and I took a few photos with Aaron, much to his displeasure. My phone buzzed.
Kieran had text me saying he’d be there in 10 minutes and he had some dvds to give back to me. Nerves seemed to hit me everywhere. I sat quietly and watched the martial arts. Aaron glanced over the text. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?” he said, hugging me. I nodded. I didn’t know what to expect really.
The 10 minutes seemed to go on forever.
Then suddenly there he was, leading Natalie by the hand into the hall. I waved until he noticed and he came over.
I stared at him for a moment, registering that it was him. The feelings I’d had every time I’d seen him whilst we were together were gone. Instead there seemed to be a blank feeling of: “I don’t really know this person anymore”.
A one armed hug, and an introduction to Natalie. She only nodded and smiled. Kieran passed back the dvds. Small talk. Then they left.
I turned back around in my seat and sat, pretending to watch the stage. That was it. I’d seen him. I’d seen them together.
It was over.
I felt a slight buzz of nerves still there. However, when Aaron and I stood up they were gone.I saw Kieran and Natalie pass by a few times that morning and early afternoon, with no feeling there whatsoever.
Was it because Aaron gave me confidence? Had I really completely got over Kieran? Or was my mind refusing to accept what was happening?
Time passed, friends were seen, and Aaron persuaded me to go back to Croydon with him.
His flat was lovely and clean. It was in a kind of half-way house. I had to sign in using a visitors book, met the staff, other residents. Aaron’s actual room had enough space for essentials, a kitchen area and bathroom. We stuck a DVD on.
I lay there next to him, and before I knew it we were making out.
“I want you.”
I shuffled awkwardly. I wasn’t sure. I was in the mood, yet….not. “What do you want?” he asked. I said I didn’t know, that we’d have to see.
We ended up having sex.
I’m still not sure now if I felt slightly pressured into that or not. It hurt like crazy, yet I did enjoy it. But afterwards… I didn’t feel any proper connection. I care for him, yet I wasn’t sure of what I had just done. It didn’t register properly.
The day carried on. We went out into Central London, went to the Trocodero together. We played games together and had a laugh.
I care for Aaron. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he gives me more affection than I can imagine, and it’s wonderful. I guess I’m just scared of being used, or only seen as a sex object. I hope that’s not true. I hope that when he has said how he feels about me, that’s true. I hope I can learn to trust him fully, and this can work.
Day 88
The day passed by quickly. Evening came. My usual skype chat started with Aaron.
I’ve mentioned my Ronald McDonald cosplay before. It’s won me things, got me recognised, and most importantly brought smiles and laughter to people. It’s my pride and joy, I adore the friend who made it for me, and I can’t wait to wear it again. I decided that as I no longer need to attract guys I could use it again in May, as I’d have no money anyway to afford a new cosplay.
I’m not sure how the subject was brought about, but expo came up. And so did a rather upsetting turn of events.
I discussed with Aaron what we could do at the expo. We’d be staying at the same apartments now, which was very exciting for me. I spoke about cosplay couples. I mentioned my favourite: Tomoya and Nagisa from Clannad. I said how I’d never had the experience of cosplaying as a couple before, that those two were precious to me and I’d love it if he’d do it with me. He was reluctant, he complained about there being no weapons, that it was in one word “boring.” It made me break a little inside. I would of cosplayed anything for him if he’d asked.
Aaron cropped up with that he was an avid Bleach cosplayer, and he’d be doing a lot of photo shoots with them. “That’s ok!” I replied cheerfully. “I can just see you in between, and it gives me the chance to meet all your friends!”. Things got sour from this point onwards. Apparently the Bleach group only like having Bleach cosplayers around. They wouldn’t appreciate someone like me, who sticks out like a sore thumb, to be around. As Aaron struggled more and more to explain this to me, the translation in my head more clearly became “You’ll embarrass me.”
Suddenly I was being told that perhaps it’d be better for me to find my own group, that if I’d just do my Chii cosplay I’d be able to go off with a Clamp group. This wasn’t what I wanted though. I didn’t want to spend all day on my own or with strangers I didn’t know. I could respect he wanted alone time with friends. But not even 5 minutes to share together an event that was extremely important to me? Suddenly mentions of evening meals with the Bleach group popped up, that it was normally a Bleach only thing. That they were strict on it. No plus ones. He wouldn’t be at the apartments in the evening, and when he was it’d be constant drinking.
For the first time ever, I felt upset at the thought of alcohol.
I stared over at my Ronald jump suit, neatly folded up next to the boots and wig. I began to feel guilty about wearing it. Then I flung myself back on the bed.
“No…” I thought to myself. That cosplay was my pride and joy. It brought me happiness. Suddenly, I found myself thinking some powerful thoughts.
I will not be made to feel that my cosplay is lowly. That it degrades me and leaves me with nowhere to go or anyone to hang out with. This cosplay has done me proud. It was my most fun one yet, and I went as far as to have tears of laughter due to it. This is my cosplay, it’s who I am, and I’ll never let it go. I won’t let anyone stop me from doing my best to become the greatest cosplayer I can be.
I also never should have thought that I couldn’t do it whilst single. That finding a person to attract to me was more important than going out there and laughing my heart out. To come back with a giant smile on my face.
The person for me will accept what I do and enjoy my company whilst I do it.
I ended the call, it was late and I needed sleep.
Aaron texted me, even though we’d ended it on an alright tone, asking why I was angry. I wasn’t angry with him really, I was just tired, and I also realised in myself that I was letting myself down.
It was time to start acting for me and me only.
Day 89
I didn’t have to get up until 8:30am due to a college tutorial that day, which pleasantly only lasted 10 minutes.
Before I went in, I’d already spoken to my mum about my call. She nodded in agreement with how I was feeling but just reminded me to “Take it slow and enjoy life.”
If there’s one person in this world that knows how to settle me in 5 seconds flat it’s my Mum. She got me through the toughest chunk of getting over Kieran. She sat there every evening after she came home, hugging me and just letting me cry and express how hurt I was. She’d advise and comfort me, give me tough love when needed. Without her I believe I would be at a great loss and probably still be coming to terms on being without Kieran.
Before the tutorial I briefly spoke to Jason on the phone. Unlike Mum he couldn’t see my point of view, as he’d grown quite fond of Aaron and enjoyed his company on Skype, and was able to find reasons for how Aaron had been. It was much appreciated though, as getting an insight into the other person’s perspective can greatly help in solving a problem.
I was back home before 12. I got onto Skype and decided to tackle the issue straight away with Aaron.
We spoke about it for about 5 minutes. It seemed much better now I’d had sleep. Initially I’d been greatly upset and felt alone. Whilst talking to Aaron I asked if he felt embarrassed about introducing me. He denied it and I’m now trying my hardest to believe him. Having my trust broken has affected how I believe people a lot, but I know with Aaron especially that I need to try, but just keep it cool at the same time. I also asked about spending time with him, introducing him to my friends during his free patches between his photo shoots. He seemed unsurnde a un-confidently said yes. At least it was a yes though.
During the day I spoke to Jason about our Wacky Races cosplay group for October. Jason got me quite excited about it, and we joked around, shared ideas and searched Ebay together.
I’m glad Aaron told me about expo. Not only so that I’m prepared for what might happen, but it taught me a lesson or two as well.
If Aaron decides that he can put aside 5 minutes to come hang out with me, deal with what I’m dressed as and WANT to be with me then I’ll know that it’s ok. That he means what he says to me. If not?
I can be single.
Expo was never meant to be an event for just couples. There are tons of people out there who go on their own. I have friends I can go with. Jason will need supporting when he sees his ex. I’ll have tons of new people to meet and socialize with thanks to my cosplay. Expo isn’t about going there, being lovey dovey together and showing off. It’s about being happy and having a good time, regardless of who you are, what you’re doing or who you’re with.
I’m not scared anymore.
I’m over Kieran.
I know it’s ok to be on my own, that my friends are here and that I can do this.
Chapter 2 is over. Chapter 3 is here, and it’s time for acceptance.
Perhaps now I can start to inspire others who are struggling with a recent break up, and see the future as being wonderful.
Here we go.
