So many times I tried to write about the weekend I was away.
I’d get fed up, need to do something else, go out, get distracted. And now I can’t fully remember what I wanted to write about.
I did however have an epic Valentine’s Day. I went to a cosplay ball with lots of friends. Kissed too many of them, got very drunk, and danced with a constant smile.
Over that weekend I also got too close to Jason at points and told by him that he loved me. I was unable to return the feeling to him and it has greatly distressed him. It leaves me wondering what on earth I can do within me to help him.
Especially when there’s a new guy on the scene.
Aaron. I met him at the cosplay picnic back on the 7th. He was dressed as Kenpachi from Bleach, running around with a giant rope, attaching people to it when they weren’t looking and then selling them off as slaves. People were highly amused by him and so was I. Later, I left the picnic and that was that. Who knew a man with a rope trying to sell me off would have such an impact?
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day. Jason and Jake are pretending to be my bodyguards as we join in at a meet. There are several people running back and forth greeting me, as they’ve recognised me from the picnic the weekend before or on Facebook when adding me as Ronald. Suddenly, I hear a huge booming voice yell:
“SLAAAAAAAVE!!”
Aaron is diving towards me. I greet him with open arms and a giggle. “Master!” I squeal back. We smile and chat briefly. Jason and Jake pretend to be all uppity towards him and make him back off. This continues throughout the meet, with Aaron trying to dive at me and Jason and Jake fending him off and chasing him. We leave the meet an hour or so later, as it seems to be full to the brim with screaming 16 year olds we just can’t handle.
The day after Valentine’s.
I message Aaron and tell him how wonderful it was to see him. Before I know it, we’ve got each other’s numbers.
Since then, we’ve been texting non-stop. He’s made it very clear he likes me. He’s asked me out once, but I’ve requested we go on a date on saturday before that can happen. I think I’m quite fond of him. We’ve talked on all sorts of levels. By text it varies from general questions, to feelings from past relationships, issues, to down right dirty questions (the latter of which seems to be a popular topic at the moment). Our phone calls are filled with laughter, talk of anime, his flat, shyness and small doses of flirting.
I made this entry, I came back to this blog, because of this damned piece of music and film:
Up. The last film I believe I saw with Kieran. For those who have seen it, you will know the relationship between Ellie and Carl. I truly believed at the time that this was the way Kieran and I were to be. I felt so satisfied and happy watching that film with him. I clung to his arm, nuzzled him and smiled, saying: “That’s me and you right? We’re gonna be Carl and Ellie, forever.” He’d agreed and I felt an overwhelming sense of joy.
It was later revealed that Kieran had never felt that way. He’d only said it to make me happy.
That was one of the things that made my heart-break the most. Yes, that’s right, a Pixar film. During our break I had decided I would write a long letter to him, include all his favourite chocolate in the package and the killer, a big picture of Ellie and Carl, lying on the hill together. That package never made it.
For ages I felt distress that I would never be able to look at that film in the same way again. Then tonight the BAFTA awards were on and Up won the award for best animation. I was thrillied. “Brilliant, it really deserved that, y’know!” I said to my Mum. I thought to myself then that perhaps I could see that film again, that it’d be ok. I looked on youtube for the soundtrack. For the theme that I had remembered being so beautiful. The one I’d sang as we came out of the cinema.
I was texting Aaron at the time. And then I had to stop. I could feel myself wanting to cry.
This music was hitting so many parts of me, asking me so many questions, yet I couldn’t stop listening.
Is Aaron the right person for me? Could he possibly make me feel what Kieran did? Will there be no one who will make me feel like that, and I’ll discover something different instead, whether it be better or worse? How am I meant to know if Aaron is right for me? Kieran and I rushed into something quite quick, but this feels more rushed somehow. Perhaps it’s how intimately we talk already. The sad parts of the music kick in and all I can wish for is that feeling of “I want this person forever. Please stay with me for the rest of my life.” How am I meant to know who that person is? Is it Aaron? Was it Kieran?
Who knows. Only time can tell on that one.
I hope one day I can watch Up again and feel the pure happiness I did then.
