It would appear I’m starting to become neutral to the whole Kieran and Natalie thing. I’m starting to handle it and think “Meh. So?” Perhaps not fully, as seeing those photos was still hard, but it shows progress. I did however see Victoria in a recent cosplay fever photo shoot I nearly went to. I still have the urge to kill her or death glare her. Pretty sure I’m not fully over it then, but oh well.
Jason decided last night to tell me he was going to woo me this weekend and win me over. I felt like I was slamming my head against a brick wall. I wish he could see that I now just want to be friends. I’ve told him this. Today I told him again, after he told me it upset him during a group skype call that I spoke about hitting on men at the Valentine’s ball. I set him straight in that I’d never agreed I would date him. Unfortunatley this seems to have upset him greatly, and I feel helpless as to what to do.
Rejecting guys is horrible I’ve discovered. Here is this guy, desperate for my attention, to win me over and have me as his girlfriend. I should be happy, grateful, crying out “Yes!” and going for it. But I just can’t see him as anything more, the more I get to know him. He doesn’t want to go out much, I love to go out for dates (regardless of price I mean, I adore just going for walks and spending quality time together, but I love to do it in different places, not just indoors) we’re opposites that just can’t work.
I worry I’m perhaps being too picky. I don’t feel right, so surely it’s not meant to be. But then what if I’m just looking at all the small details and shoving someone aside who could be really good for me?
I really worry about how I’m going to find someone. How on earth do I go about finding them? Dating sites are utterly useless for otaku. Going to meets doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. Guys are too young or girls are too immature…I’m not too sure I’ve mentioned before that I swing both ways. And no, I’m not a girl who just kisses other girls at parties. It’s not a stage I’m going through. I’ve had feelings for girls for about 6 years now. I don’t get attracted to them as much as I do guys, that’s fair to say, but I am extremely picky on the girls I choose. I have to have a shy, petite slender girl or one with beautiful curves and a great big smile who I can treat like a princess and care for. Unfortunatly not many of those girls come along, so I end up pining my hopes on men.
I really don’t want to be alone for expo. I’d become so accustomed to being with someone. To sharing happiness with them and cosplaying together, laughing and having fun. I’m scared I won’t have anyone to hang out with, or someone who won’t want to be at the convention all day. I can’t look forward to an event I usually deem as my twice yearly escape. It breaks my heart.
I can’t afford cosplay for expo. I’ll be sleeping on the floor of the lounge because I won’t have the money to even share a room. I very may well be alone. I’m scared I’ll be alone for years. This waiting period. Not even having someone I can fancy. No one for me to crush on and express my favourite feelings to. Liking. Caring. Loving. Why is there no one right now that even gives me butterflies? Where have all those people gone? I’m scared that because I once deemed Kieran as perfect I’ll be looking for someone just like that and won’t find them. I’ve been spoilt terribly and now I can’t do things on my own that I should be able to. It really disgusts me.
On better thoughts, my blackberry turned up today, after this lolsworthy tracking information yesterday:
June….2005!?
I’m now the proud owner of a Blackberry Curve Tardis.
It’s a lovely little phone, and after having upgraded from a Samsung G600, it’s nice to have lots of new features to play with and muck around on. It’s surprisingly light as well, which makes me wonder if I’ll forget it’s even in my pocket sometimes.
I also had a brilliant skype call with Jake, Jason and other expo goers today. Many laughs were had, as Jake has bought a subscription for a month which allows him to call anywhere in the world. Listening to him harass Walmart and asking for pizza with only the toppings from delivery places, putting on an accent somewhere between Polish and Welsh, was very amusing.
It’s nice to finally be on half term. One more day of relaxation and a nice lie in, and then I’ll be heading off to Jason’s until Tuesday, then I’m going out with old high school friends for a meal at Nandos on Wednesday.
Half term, will you please at least bring me some nice memories? I won’t ask for a guy. No, we’ll let that one slide for now I think. For now, please, bring me some good times and laughs I can look back on. Can’t wait to see what you throw at me.
Edit:
This seriously makes me want to never give up and keep going onwards. It reminds me of when I used to watch Kai with Robert and David, but I know that’s in the past now and I need to move on my own.
GAAAAAR.
