Day 111

Perhaps I’m only happy because someone’s come along. Perhaps I really am just generally happy with life now.

I accidently added all my facebook contacts onto my msn list last week. At the time I just wanted to delete everyone off and start again. I’m quite glad now I didn’t.

“Who is this!?”

“Um…”

“RONALD!?!”

These were just some of the responses I was getting. And amongst that group of people, Ben appeared.

I’m sure I could bet money that most people have met someone in their life who appears to be on the exact level as them. Perhaps it’s a best friend, a partner or even a family member. It would appear in my case that Ben was very rapidly becoming this person.

Days have passed and my mood has escalated. Even news of everyone heading off to Kitacon hasn’t brought me down. It’s even made me say at points “Ok, you have fun!” and when they say “You too”, I can whole heartedly respond with an “I’m sure I will!”.

I’ve realised how dear my friends are. The people I speak to regularly on skype appear to be a second family to me now. If ever I’m down I’ll know for a fact they’ll cheer me up. My smile will come back and I’ll laugh until I cry. I have in jokes with them, the silliest of conversations, and I’ve also had some wonderful deep ones too.

Ben sends me wonderful texts, makes me feel so amazing about myself. He makes me laugh and he makes me smile. He’s got the most stunning singing voice and he won’t stop serenading me with it. I hope he never stops.

I hope this happiness never stops.

C’MON.

Day 107

The weather today was stunning.

“Roof down?” Mum grinned, as we got the car ready to go shopping. Possibly one of the best questions I’ve been asked this year, and I instantly responded with a yes.  Feeling the wind in my hair, no coat on. It boosted my mood sky high.

Then this afternoon it fell.

Kieran spoke to me and we were going along ok. Then came the conversation of him moving in with Natalie.

I shouldn’t of felt the way I did. It wasn’t my life anymore, I was moving on, this wasn’t supposed to happen.

I got incredibly angry.

Thoughts of “How could he?” shot through my mind and I feel angry at myself for feeling bothered by it all. I tried to bite my tounge.

20 minutes later and I’m crying, he’s angry.

Luckily we’ve managed to resolve it.

I felt so distraught. I didn’t want to be angry, but there I was, getting upset and mad at myself. Then I’d upset Kieran and managed to get a “Fuck you” out of him, something which deeply upset me. I’ve never been one to want to upset people or have enemies, and I really don’t want Kieran as an enemy. I’m glad we’re ok. I know now I really need to avoid conflict like that again and take myself away from the computer and chill when that happens. That way we’ll be alright.

One of the things that made me smile though, was that as soon as I got upset I thought “Oh God, where’s Jason or Jake!?”. I love how I’ve developed dear friends to me during this. That I know there’s people I can rely on. During all the Skype calls throughout the past few months I’ve bonded with so many people, and now I have people saying “Remember we all love you” when I feel down. Corrina and I got hyped over organising a Alton Tower’s trip and my mood instantly boosted again. Having friends is incredible.

I’ll be ok, because I have fantastic people around me. Life is starting to pick up and I’ve met some new characters in my life this year that I want to stick around. This includes Kieran, but I know now that he can only ever be a friend. That I want him as just a friend, and now need to learn to chill out, keep calm, and look forward to the future with someone else.

Thank you to everyone who’s stuck with me so far, not given up on me, and given me hope. I love you all.

Day 102

I knew at some point I’d have to get tested to be on the safe side. After 4 partners, 2 serious and 2 flings, it was time.

I was ready to go, I’d booked my appointment and after tons of kidney infections I could pee in a cup for England. What I hadn’t realised was that it also included a swab and blood tests. I’m terrified of needles and after a hospital appointment involving tubes going where I swear to god they shouldn’t have,  I was freaked out.

Jenni and Katie sat with me for a while talking me through it, as I was crying, but all I’d wanted was a hug. I ended up texting Kieran. I’m not sure why.

The girls left and I suddenly full on started crying. I’d been attempting to not sacrifice my eyeliner, but it happened anyway. When I’d calmed down I went over to the window and gazed out over the college. The weather has been stunning really. It should of been lifting my mood like it always does when spring starts to roll round. Watching happy groups of people walk through the car park, I wondered why I wasn’t feeling like that too.

I’d also found out that I’d failed my exam coursework, which slowly brought me down over the day. It had to be submitted at the beginning of January, so of course I’d been working on it during my break and break up with Kieran.

As I stood by the window I heard the door go. Expecting it to be Jenni and Katie I turned round, but it was 3 random girls staring at me. “Ah, sorry…” I mumbled, fumbling with my things. “You can stay…you know…” one of the girls said nervously, obviously realising something was up. “No no it’s cool.” I quickly responded, and I left the room. I ran upstairs to the toilets and tried to collect myself.

“Man up.” My phone said. I stared at it. Kieran had just texted that to me. Of course, he’d done it in a nice way, but those two words had stood out. Memories rushed back to the first week I was single.

“You need to toughen THE FUCK UP.”

Ed had been strict on me, and it had always stuck with me. He never babied me, just supported yet told it as it was.

Seeing Kieran do the same now suddenly hit a nerve, and I could feel courage building. I was still upset and scared, but it pushed me forward.

The appointment happened, and I got through rather well. It was a lot less hectic than the hospital had been, and I was only with 1 female nurse. Seeing other girls going into the clinic for similar things settled me, and everybody was calm and understanding. I get my results next friday, and I’m quite confident I’m ok, but now I’m glad it’s done.

This evening I’ve realised that it’s time now for me to start the “man up” process, and I need to fight on and try to ace this exam coursework, and confidently hand it back in knowing I’ve tried my hardest. I’m trying to find new techniques for when I feel a bad thought coming into my head. For now pushing out my hands in front of me, as if I’m pushing the memory away is working quite nicely (and allowing me to stretch lots!).

Fingers crossed I can keep finding methods to help me push onwards. GAAAR.

Day 99

Well what do you know? It’s been 99 days since this all began, and look where I am now.

I don’t know how, but today my mood suddenly rose. Perhaps it’s because I got fed up of being so low and wanted to push myself. Perhaps it’s because I remembered there are people far less fortunate than me, and that I’m lucky. Or perhaps it’s because Chris Moyles played “Star Girl” without fail this morning.

Whatever it was, I became happier, and I believe I’m nearly back to my acceptance again.

It makes me sad to see pictures of Kieran and Natalie. Knowing that she has what I once adored. But that was once, and not anymore. I recently had day dreams of what it would be like if Kieran suddenly came running back to me. The scenario of whether or not to take him back. But I know I couldn’t trust him. I couldn’t whilst Victoria existed, whilst Natalie still existed. I wouldn’t believe him if he ever said he loved me again.

He cannot come back to me, and I cannot take him back.

I don’t know when or if a man will come for me. And it scares me that someone won’t. I’m scared because I adore to love, to give affection, and to recieve love and affection. I’ve also started to forget the feeling of what it is to love, to feel wonderful and adore a person, to have that back. I sure hope someone comes along. If anything, I really do miss cuddles, kisses and hand holding.

…

Ok, I took a 5 minute break and lost my trail of thought.

My J2O tastes like Haribo. This is magic.

G’NIGHT.

Day 97

I can’t stop remembering the memories. They won’t stop.

I just completely rambled to Aimee and Corinna, two girls from expo, over Skype. I just let go and said how I felt. Then I had to ask for forgiveness, as part of me hadn’t even realised I was doing it.

The pain just wont go away.

Am I meant to be this way? Did I do something in a past life which I now need to repent for? Why won’t the hurt just leave me alone?

Yet, try as I may, I just can’t imagine happiness. Because I no longer know what would make me happy again.

Possibly a boyfriend. Possibly money. But then again, maybe not.

I told myself by day 100 I’d probably be fine and dandy. Yet right now, I feel no where near. I feel trapped and truly unhappy. How on earth do I lift myself out of this? It seems never ending….

Day 96

It didn’t work between Aaron and I.

By day 4 he was adamant that he loved me. I didn’t know how to react, and awkwardly I felt myself slip further and further away from him. There was no buzz there. No excitement of a new boyfriend. I had no idea whether that was due to the fact that I hadn’t actually got over Kieran yet, or that he just wasn’t the one for me. Over the past few days it’s become clear that perhaps it’s a mix of both.

Essentially on the Tuesday I’d felt a weight lift when I’d told Aaron that I just couldn’t do it. Straight off the bat he was upset clearly, I felt bad, and he didn’t want to talk. Eventually he came back to chat though, and over the past few days the air has cleared thanks to support from friends and family.

As the days moved on, I suddenly found I was in more than a spot of bother. Suddenly everything I looked at would remind me of Kieran and memories. I was suddenly very aware I was single, that I wasn’t finding the right person and I was stuck back where I began.

Originally it was thoughts of our holiday in Brighton. I’d loved every moment of that holiday. It was just him and I. We had little money (only really enough for food), but we didn’t care. We were happy with each other’s company. I remember when we’d both went dashing into the sea, screaming and laughing because it was so cold. (It was the week that England hit Caribbean temperatures. We went in the sea the day after that said week died.) Kieran’s eyes were lit up and he couldn’t stop smiling, laughing, screaming when waves crashed over us. Then when I’d got out he was begging for me to get back in. Part of me wishes I had now, as I feel I’d let him down. The beach brought so much joy to him. To us.

Then my thoughts started to drift to smaller memories. I passed a Connexions building, and was reminded instantly of the one in Willesden Green. I’d stand and look at the jobs in the window for ages until Kieran dragged me away, fed up. I always looked though, with excitement that one day I’d be looking for a job for real, because I’d be living with him.

I remembered the parks we used to go to. The one time on a gorgeous summer’s day we’d gone to Willesden park and sat with sketch pads for hours, listening to music and enjoying the warmth. Taking breaks every now and then, and cuddling up together.

The summer.

Over the past 5 years I’ve always had someone I truly adored to spend my summer with. I’m a July baby, and to have a boyfriend share that with me has always been so wonderful. I feel great, and feel like my life is complete.

Now I fear that this summer I shall be on my own, and before I know it, it’ll be fading into dreary old winter again. Summer, I imagine, is a time when a lot of people’s moods boost dramatically. I know this is the case for me. Sunshine and picnics, beach trips, laughter, smiles. I fondly wait for it to come around every year, and then never want it to leave. A time when friends come home from uni, people have time off work and everybody just wants to have fun.

Now I’m scared of it. I don’t want it to come.

I don’t want to be on my own this summer, now I’m so adjusted to it.

I’m scared, once again, to be on my own.

Days 87 – 89

This morning as I stepped out the house my mood was cleared for an moment as sunshine and warmth hit me. In my mind, spring had arrived at last. It possibly perked up my mood, but I was still unable to shake completely how I was feeling.
Day 87

Saturday had arrived and it almost felt like judgement day in some ways.

My date with Aaron was today.

It was also finally time to see Kieran face to face for the first time since the breakup.

Arriving at Victoria Station I pulled my scarf off of my head, to avoid getting my perfectly straightened hair drenched from rain, and stood for a moment taking deeps breaths as I adjusted it back around my neck. “It’s ok…this is it. Get yourself ready now.” I said to myself as I began to enter the station.

I’d agreed to meet Aaron outside WH Smith. I’d been flirting non-stop with him over text for the whole week and now the day was finally here that I would see him. As I arrived outside the shop I couldn’t see him anywhere. Just as I was pulling out my Blackberry I found myself being swept up into someone’s arms.

Aaron held me for a moment, then lent down and kissed me. I stared up at him briefly. I’d never dated a man that much taller than me, as I stand at 5 foot 8. He loomed over me at 6 foot 2. Suddenly we were moving again. Aaron was obviously not a person to hang around. He chatted lots, teasing me. I couldn’t help but notice though, that regardless at how much I looked at him, he wasn’t able to make eye contact with me very well except for when kissing me.

As we stood waiting for the tube he pulled out the box set of Chobits. He’d told me had 2 copies and that I could have it. I beamed a smile as he passed me the box, wrapped in a white bow. Then he handed me a box of Mikado. I was thrilled.

We shared Mikado together on the tube and chatted away. He leaned over, wrapping an arm around me and whispered to me.

“Will you be mine?”

It wasn’t exactly the most romantic place to do it, but his voice made me melt and I instantly said yes.

A while later and we were at the Japanese Arts Festival in Richmond College. We sat and watched martial arts on the stage for a while, I saw a few people I’d met at the Norwich meet back in January and I took a few photos with Aaron, much to his displeasure. My phone buzzed.

Kieran had text me saying he’d be there in 10 minutes and he had some dvds to give back to me. Nerves seemed to hit me everywhere. I sat quietly and watched the martial arts. Aaron glanced over the text. “You’re nervous, aren’t you?” he said, hugging me. I nodded. I didn’t know what to expect really.

The 10 minutes seemed to go on forever.

Then suddenly there he was, leading Natalie by the hand into the hall. I waved until he noticed and he came over.

I stared at him for a moment, registering that it was him. The feelings I’d had every time I’d seen him whilst we were together were gone. Instead there seemed to be a blank feeling of: “I don’t really know this person anymore”.

A one armed hug, and an introduction to Natalie. She only nodded and smiled. Kieran passed back the dvds. Small talk. Then they left.

I turned back around in my seat and sat, pretending to watch the stage. That was it. I’d seen him. I’d seen them together.

It was over.

I felt a slight buzz of nerves still there. However, when Aaron and I stood up they were gone.I saw Kieran and Natalie pass by a few times that morning and early afternoon, with no feeling there whatsoever.

Was it because Aaron gave me confidence? Had I really completely got over Kieran? Or was my mind refusing to accept what was happening?

Time passed, friends were seen, and Aaron persuaded me to go back to Croydon with him.

His flat was lovely and clean. It was in a kind of half-way house. I had to sign in using a visitors book, met the staff, other residents. Aaron’s actual room had enough space for essentials, a kitchen area and bathroom. We stuck a DVD on.

I lay there next to him, and before I knew it we were making out.

“I want you.”

I shuffled awkwardly. I wasn’t sure. I was in the mood, yet….not. “What do you want?” he asked. I said I didn’t know, that we’d have to see.

We ended up having sex.

I’m still not sure now if I felt slightly pressured into that or not. It hurt like crazy, yet I did enjoy it. But afterwards… I didn’t feel any proper connection. I care for him, yet I wasn’t sure of what I had just done. It didn’t register properly.

The day carried on. We went out into Central London, went to the Trocodero together. We played games together and had a laugh.

I care for Aaron. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, he gives me more affection than I can imagine, and it’s wonderful. I guess I’m just scared of being used, or only seen as a sex object. I hope that’s not true. I hope that when he has said how he feels about me, that’s true. I hope I can learn to trust him fully, and this can work.

Day 88

The day passed by quickly. Evening came. My usual skype chat started with Aaron.

I’ve mentioned my Ronald McDonald cosplay before. It’s won me things, got me recognised, and most importantly brought smiles and laughter to people. It’s my pride and joy, I adore the friend who made it for me, and I can’t wait to wear it again. I decided that as I no longer need to attract guys I could use it again in May, as I’d have no money anyway to afford a new cosplay.

I’m not sure how the subject was brought about, but expo came up. And so did a rather upsetting turn of events.

I discussed with Aaron what we could do at the expo. We’d be staying at the same apartments now, which was very exciting for me. I spoke about cosplay couples. I mentioned my favourite: Tomoya and Nagisa from Clannad. I said how I’d never had the experience of cosplaying as a couple before, that those two were precious to me and I’d love it if he’d do it with me. He was reluctant, he complained about there being no weapons, that it was in one word “boring.” It made me break a little inside. I would of cosplayed anything for him if he’d asked.

Aaron cropped up with that he was an avid Bleach cosplayer, and he’d be doing a lot of photo shoots with them. “That’s ok!” I replied cheerfully. “I can just see you in between, and it gives me the chance to meet all your friends!”. Things got sour from this point onwards. Apparently the Bleach group only like having Bleach cosplayers around. They wouldn’t appreciate someone like me, who sticks out like a sore thumb, to be around. As Aaron struggled more and more to explain this to me, the translation in my head more clearly became “You’ll embarrass me.”

Suddenly I was being told that perhaps it’d be better for me to find my own group, that if I’d just do my Chii cosplay I’d be able to go off with a Clamp group. This wasn’t what I wanted though. I didn’t want to spend all day on my own or with strangers I didn’t know. I could respect he wanted alone time with friends. But not even 5 minutes to share together an event that was extremely important to me? Suddenly mentions of evening meals with the Bleach group popped up, that it was normally a Bleach only thing. That they were strict on it. No plus ones. He wouldn’t be at the apartments in the evening, and when he was it’d be constant drinking.

For the first time ever, I felt upset at the thought of alcohol.

I stared over at my Ronald jump suit, neatly folded up next to the boots and wig. I began to feel guilty about wearing it. Then I flung myself back on the bed.

“No…” I thought to myself. That cosplay was my pride and joy. It brought me happiness. Suddenly, I found myself thinking some powerful thoughts.

I will not be made to feel that my cosplay is lowly. That it degrades me and leaves me with nowhere to go or anyone to hang out with. This cosplay has done me proud. It was my most fun one yet, and I went as far as to have tears of laughter due to it. This is my cosplay, it’s who I am, and I’ll never let it go. I won’t let anyone stop me from doing my best to become the greatest cosplayer I can be.

I also never should have thought that I couldn’t do it whilst single. That finding a person to attract to me was more important than going out there and laughing my heart out. To come back with a giant smile on my face.

The person for me will accept what I do and enjoy my company whilst I do it.

I ended the call, it was late and I needed sleep.

Aaron texted me, even though we’d ended it on an alright tone, asking why I was angry. I wasn’t angry with him really, I was just tired, and I also realised in myself that I was letting myself down.

It was time to start acting for me and me only.

Day 89

I didn’t have to get up until 8:30am due to a college tutorial that day, which pleasantly only lasted 10 minutes.

Before I went in, I’d already spoken to my mum about my call. She nodded in agreement with how I was feeling but just reminded me to “Take it slow and enjoy life.”

If there’s one person in this world that knows how to settle me in 5 seconds flat it’s my Mum. She got me through the toughest chunk of getting over Kieran. She sat there every evening after she came home, hugging me and just letting me cry and express how hurt I was. She’d advise and comfort me, give me tough love when needed. Without her I believe I would be at a great loss and probably still be coming to terms on being without Kieran.

Before the tutorial I briefly spoke to Jason on the phone. Unlike Mum he couldn’t see my point of view, as he’d grown quite fond of Aaron and enjoyed his company on Skype, and was able to find reasons for how Aaron had been. It was much appreciated though, as getting an insight into the other person’s perspective can greatly help in solving a problem.

I was back home before 12. I got onto Skype and decided to tackle the issue straight away with Aaron.

We spoke about it for about 5 minutes. It seemed much better now I’d had sleep. Initially I’d been greatly upset and felt alone. Whilst talking to Aaron I asked if he felt embarrassed about introducing me. He denied it and I’m now trying my hardest to believe him. Having my trust broken has affected how I believe people a lot, but I know with Aaron especially that I need to try, but just keep it cool at the same time. I also asked about spending time with him, introducing him to my friends during his free patches between his photo shoots. He seemed unsurnde a un-confidently said yes. At least it was a yes though.

During the day I spoke to Jason about our Wacky Races cosplay group for October. Jason got me quite excited about it, and we joked around, shared ideas and searched Ebay together.

I’m glad Aaron told me about expo. Not only so that I’m prepared for what might happen, but it taught me a lesson or two as well.

If Aaron decides that he can put aside 5 minutes to come hang out with me, deal with what I’m dressed as and WANT to be with me then I’ll know that it’s ok. That he means what he says to me. If not?

I can be single.

Expo was never meant to be an event for just couples. There are tons of people out there who go on their own. I have friends I can go with. Jason will need supporting when he sees his ex. I’ll have tons of new people to meet and socialize with thanks to my cosplay. Expo isn’t about going there, being lovey dovey together and showing off. It’s about being happy and having a good time, regardless of who you are, what you’re doing or who you’re with.

I’m not scared anymore.

I’m over Kieran.

I know it’s ok to be on my own, that my friends are here and that I can do this.

Chapter 2 is over. Chapter 3 is here, and it’s time for acceptance.

Perhaps now I can start to inspire others who are struggling with a recent break up, and see the future as being wonderful.

Here we go.

Day 82

So many times I tried to write about the weekend I was away.

I’d get fed up, need to do something else, go out, get distracted. And now I can’t fully remember what I wanted to write about.

I did however have an epic Valentine’s Day. I went to a cosplay ball with lots of friends. Kissed too many of them, got very drunk, and danced with a constant smile.

Over that weekend I also got too close to Jason at points and told by him that he loved me. I was unable to return the feeling to him and it has greatly distressed him. It leaves me wondering what on earth I can do within me to help him.

Especially when there’s a new guy on the scene.

Aaron. I met him at the cosplay picnic back on the 7th. He was dressed as Kenpachi from Bleach, running around with a giant rope, attaching people to it when they weren’t looking and then selling them off as slaves. People were highly amused by him and so was I. Later, I left the picnic and that was that. Who knew a man with a rope trying to sell me off would have such an impact?

Fast forward to Valentine’s Day. Jason and Jake are pretending to be my bodyguards as we join in at a meet. There are several people running back and forth greeting me, as they’ve recognised me from the picnic the weekend before or on Facebook when adding me as Ronald. Suddenly, I hear a huge booming voice yell:

“SLAAAAAAAVE!!”

Aaron is diving towards me. I greet him with open arms and a giggle. “Master!” I squeal back. We smile and chat briefly. Jason and Jake pretend to be all uppity towards him and make him back off. This continues throughout the meet, with Aaron trying to dive at me and Jason and Jake fending him off and chasing him.  We leave the meet an hour or so later, as it seems to be full to the brim with screaming 16 year olds we just can’t handle.

The day after Valentine’s.

I message Aaron and tell him how wonderful it was to see him. Before I know it, we’ve got each other’s numbers.

Since then, we’ve been texting non-stop. He’s made it very clear he likes me. He’s asked me out once, but I’ve requested we go on a date on saturday before that can happen. I think I’m quite fond of him. We’ve talked on all sorts of levels. By text it varies from general questions, to feelings from past relationships, issues, to down right dirty questions (the latter of which seems to be a popular topic at the moment). Our phone calls are filled with laughter, talk of anime, his flat, shyness and small doses of flirting.

I made this entry, I came back to this blog, because of this damned piece of music and film:

Up. The last film I believe I saw with Kieran. For those who have seen it, you will know the relationship between Ellie and Carl. I truly believed at the time that this was the way Kieran and I were to be. I felt so satisfied and happy watching that film with him. I clung to his arm, nuzzled him and smiled, saying: “That’s me and you right? We’re gonna be Carl and Ellie, forever.” He’d agreed and I felt an overwhelming sense of joy.

It was later revealed that Kieran had never felt that way. He’d only said it to make me happy.

That was one of the things that made my heart-break the most. Yes, that’s right, a Pixar film. During our break I had decided I would write a long letter to him, include all his favourite chocolate in the package and the killer, a big picture of Ellie and Carl, lying on the hill together. That package never made it.

For ages I felt distress that I would never be able to look at that film in the same way again. Then tonight the BAFTA awards were on and Up won the award for best animation. I was thrillied. “Brilliant, it really deserved that, y’know!” I said to my Mum. I thought to myself then that perhaps I could see that film again, that it’d be ok. I looked on youtube for the soundtrack. For the theme that I had remembered being so beautiful. The one I’d sang as we came out of the cinema.

I was texting Aaron at the time. And then I had to stop. I could feel myself wanting to cry.

This music was hitting so many parts of me, asking me so many questions, yet I couldn’t stop listening.

Is Aaron the right person for me? Could he possibly make me feel what Kieran did? Will there be no one who will make me feel like that, and I’ll discover something different instead, whether it be better or worse? How am I meant to know if Aaron is right for me? Kieran and I rushed into something quite quick, but this feels more rushed somehow. Perhaps it’s how intimately we talk already. The sad parts of the music kick in and all I can wish for is that feeling of “I want this person forever. Please stay with me for the rest of my life.” How am I meant to know who that person is? Is it Aaron? Was it Kieran?

Who knows. Only time can tell on that one.

I hope one day I can watch Up again and feel the pure happiness I did then.

Day 72

It would appear I’m starting to become neutral to the whole Kieran and Natalie thing. I’m starting to handle it and think “Meh. So?” Perhaps not fully, as seeing those photos was still hard, but it shows progress. I did however see Victoria in a recent cosplay fever photo shoot I nearly went to. I still have the urge to kill her or death glare her. Pretty sure I’m not fully over it then, but oh well.

Jason decided last night to tell me he was going to woo me this weekend and win me over. I felt like I was slamming my head against a brick wall. I wish he could see that I now just want to be friends. I’ve told him this. Today I told him again, after he told me it upset him during a group skype call that I spoke about hitting on men at the Valentine’s ball. I set him straight in that I’d never agreed I would date him. Unfortunatley this seems to have upset him greatly, and I feel helpless as to what to do.

Rejecting guys is horrible I’ve discovered. Here is this guy, desperate for my attention, to win me over and have me as his girlfriend. I should be happy, grateful, crying out “Yes!” and going for it. But I just can’t see him as anything more, the more I get to know him. He doesn’t want to go out much, I love to go out for dates (regardless of price I mean, I adore just going for walks and spending quality time together, but I love to do it in different places, not just indoors) we’re opposites that just can’t work.

I worry I’m perhaps being too picky. I don’t feel right, so surely it’s not meant to be. But then what if I’m just looking at all the small details and shoving someone aside who could be really good for me?

I really worry about how I’m going to find someone. How on earth do I go about finding them? Dating sites are utterly useless for otaku. Going to meets doesn’t seem to be working at the moment. Guys are too young or girls are too immature…I’m not too sure I’ve mentioned before that I swing both ways. And no, I’m not a girl who just kisses other girls at parties. It’s not a stage I’m going through. I’ve had feelings for girls for about 6 years now. I don’t get attracted to them as much as I do guys, that’s fair to say, but I am extremely picky on the girls I choose. I have to have a shy, petite slender girl or one with beautiful curves and a great big smile who I can treat like a princess and care for. Unfortunatly not many of those girls come along, so I end up pining my hopes on men.

I really don’t want to be alone for expo. I’d become so accustomed to being with someone. To sharing happiness with them and cosplaying together, laughing and having fun. I’m scared I won’t have anyone to hang out with, or someone who won’t want to be at the convention all day. I can’t look forward to an event I usually deem as my twice yearly escape. It breaks my heart.

I can’t afford cosplay for expo. I’ll be sleeping on the floor of the lounge because I won’t have the money to even share a room. I very may well be alone. I’m scared I’ll be alone for years. This waiting period. Not even having someone I can fancy. No one for me to crush on and express my favourite feelings to. Liking. Caring. Loving. Why is there no one right now that even gives me butterflies? Where have all those people gone? I’m scared that because I once deemed Kieran as perfect I’ll be looking for someone just like that and won’t find them. I’ve been spoilt terribly and now I can’t do things on my own that I should be able to. It really disgusts me.

On better thoughts, my blackberry turned up today, after this lolsworthy tracking information yesterday:

June….2005!?

I’m now the proud owner of a Blackberry Curve Tardis.

It’s a lovely little phone, and after having upgraded from a Samsung G600, it’s nice to have lots of new features to play with and muck around on. It’s surprisingly light as well, which makes me wonder if I’ll forget it’s even in my pocket sometimes.

I also had a brilliant skype call with Jake, Jason and other expo goers today. Many laughs were had, as Jake has bought a subscription for a month which allows him to call anywhere in the world. Listening to him harass Walmart and asking for pizza with only the toppings from delivery places, putting on an accent somewhere between Polish and Welsh, was very amusing.

It’s nice to finally be on half term. One more day of relaxation and a nice lie in, and then I’ll be heading off to Jason’s until Tuesday, then I’m going out with old high school friends for a meal at Nandos on Wednesday.

Half term, will you please at least bring me some nice memories? I won’t ask for a guy. No, we’ll let that one slide for now I think. For now, please, bring me some good times and laughs I can look back on. Can’t wait to see what you throw at me.

Edit:

This seriously makes me want to never give up and keep going onwards. It reminds me of when I used to watch Kai with Robert and David, but I know that’s in the past now and I need to move on my own.

GAAAAAR.

Days 69 and 70

Day 69

I awoke early and got myself slowly ready. I was determined not to wear a coat with my kimono, so I layered 2 jumpers, 2 pairs of leggings, pop socks, a skirt and a petticoat, making the kimono more like a coat layer. I was pretty snug so fingers crossed when I wear it on sunday for the Valentine’s Ball I’ll be fine!

There were horrible engineering works on the rails, so I ended up in Romford and then Newbury Park. Romford is…grey?.. Alright, it’s a bit of a dump. I certainly wouldn’t want to live there.

I arrived nearly bang on time at Hyde Park Corner. As I went up the escalators somebody screamed “RONAAAAAAAALD.”

I do absolutely love that I’ve gained a mini following since my McDonald cosplay.

Iain had spotted me. Back last October I cosplay Ronald McDonald. During my travels I met Iain. He was dressed as a giant Death Note. We instantly bonded. After that people just kept on adding me on Facebook. It’s lovely to know that I made people smile, that I’d brought happiness to someone. That’s one of the main things I loved about cosplaying Ronald.

My friend Pill was waiting for me, and we headed up to the park together. On the way, we spotted the fabled…..Michael Towers. Oh dear is all I can say.

The picnic slowly gathered more and more people. It was slightly awkward, as people generally already had groups of people they knew. As the day went on I couldn’t help but feel that although I was being outgoing and chatting, people just really weren’t up for meeting new people very much.

David, Chris and Danny turned up. I ended up speaking to David for a while about it. How I was slightly gutted that I hadn’t met new people.

A Sesshomaru walked past us. I squinted. I thought I recognised him.

“Hey Sesshomaru, how have you not managed to get those trousers dirty yet!?” I called out. His white trousers were really baggy and in danger of hitting the mud that covered a lot of the ground. “Dunno!” was his simple reply. He looked at David. “Oh hey! I think I know you!” he said with a smile. David shuffled awkwardly, and it was soon realised that this guy knew Robert, and not David. Apparently poor David gets that a lot. Personally I can’t understand how people can’t see the difference between the two, but maybe that’s just me.

Sesshomaru wandered off. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I recognised his face.

The day went on.

A girl I knew from cosplay bowling and through Sixth Form friends who had gone to expos turned up. I hung out with Abby for a bit and then it was decided we would all go to Trocodero for a while and grab some food at the Japan Centre. David had originally said he would come with us, but then changed his mind, so we parted ways.

I didn’t go to the tree at the park in the end. I did remember it during the afternoon, but I shook the thought of it off with no problem. It was the bus journey that got me down. Seeing places Kieran and I used to go. Coming back to a place I was so fond of visiting with him. And now here I was with different people and a feeling of loss.

We grabbed sushi and headed to the Troc. Tokyotoys had moved downstairs, and Hideki was nowhere to be seen.

I think perhaps I just really hate change. Maybe this is a test in my life, to learn to accept change.

I played DJ Technika a few times and then watched Abby and watched them play Para Para. Reu, one of Abby’s friends, was very kind enough to pay £1 for me to play a game and she taught me how to do it. I can see why everyone gets addicted to it!

It was about half 4. Jason had said that if I had time I should go visit him. I’d started to feel really low. I turned to leave.

Sesshomaru was behind me, without his wig.

I stopped. I stared.

“….I KNOW YOU.” I blurted out.

Sesshomaru looked startled and then smiled, amused. “Yes. You met me half an hour ago!” he laughed.

“No no.” I said, shaking my head. “I definitely know you!….from…..May…2008, at the expo! You were there right? There was an ABC party on the saturday night.”

“Well, I definatly went to a party one night…”

“It was you! You sat at a table with me and we chatted for ages! You were in a Bleach cosplay. I was a maid cat girl.”

Then I delivered the killer line: “You danced with a girl dressed as Chii.”

He stopped and stared at me for a second. “Oh…oh my god YES!!” he exclaimed.

We laughed over how we’d remembered each other. It turned out his name was Anthony. We ended up chatting for ages, laughing over having the same phone (he’s got the blackberry I’m getting), talking about cosplay, crossdressing, Para Para, expo, Warhammer…the list went on. Before I knew it, it was nearly 6. I’d got his number and we’d exchanged facebook details. We said bye to people and walked to the tube together. Fingers crossed he might come to the valentine’s ball. It’d be lovely to see and chat to him again, I feel we got along really nicely.

It’s amazing how sometimes the unexpected happens and it just completely raises your day up. I’m so happy I stayed at the Troc and Anthony came along. What a day.

Day 70

I shot out of bed and ran for the light switch. I fumbled with it frantically. I switched it on.

I stood there and blinked.

2:05am.

Why…had I just done that?

I’d just had a dream. Someone was in my room. I wasn’t scared, but I desperately needed to know who was there watching me. I think whilst asleep I’d known. Then I’d awoken and carried out the action I was meant to do in my dream. Sheepishly I sent myself off to the bathroom, seeing as I’d caused a kerfuffle for no reason I might as well do something I thought. I wonder who the person was that I was desperate to see. It definitely wasn’t Kieran, or anyone I’ve been particularly close to recently. I just knew I had to see them. I wonder…

Morning came and I got myself up and ready for college. When I got there I received a text from Katie saying she was going to be late, so I passed on the message when I eventually got to my class. This is where everything started to go wrong.

It was just me and Jenny to start with. Jenny is a girl I’ve been with in college since the beginning. She’s extremely bright and dedicated to her work, she’s in a good long term relationship with a guy and she she has a beautiful heart and looks. Unfortunatly, as the day would show, not everyone appreciates this.

The next lesson came along and Laura, Katie and Sam finally turned up. Katie told me she’d texted lots asking where we were, but I’d only received her one about being late and then I switched off my phone for class. I’d failed to mention I couldn’t text back due to going £12 over the amount I could use. Everyone seemed quiet and off. I didn’t really know how to react, and I always hate myself after doing this, but I started trying extra hard to be nice. It didn’t work.

At break time Jenny and I got the simple pleasure of picking out boys we liked the look of. We seem to have similar tastes and go for boys from the music and art departments. I wouldn’t realise until later, but it was at this point I annoyed Katie. “Oooh, he’s nice!” one of us commented on a guy. “I know him. He’s from Clacton.” Katie responded. Now, we all know Clacton is rough. Unfortunatly my comment of “Oh well that spoils that then!” didn’t go down well, and it led to Katie being off with me. It wasn’t until after I’d complained out loud to people later and then that message got passed on to Katie did I realise when she came online later. She’d texted saying “Thanks for bitching about me” which left me confused on what was going on, and it was later cleared up it had all been due to that, and she hadn’t realised I had no credit to respond to her. Mystery solved.

However, people seemed to have it in for Jenny today. Snide remarks were made. At one point in a lesson, where we basically played with clay and marshmallows, I complained to Jenny about how we should be getting on with the new unit about special needs, and not be playing around.

Somehow. God knows how. Someone interpreted this as “Everyone in here has special needs and are twats.”

It spread like wildfire.

I hate girls sometimes.

After it going around for a while I twigged on to what happened and went “Hang on. I was talking about Unit 14. I don’t know what YOU were going on about, but I’ll have you know Unit 14 is about SPECIAL NEEDS.”

The reaction I simply got was “Oh…”

After that I briefly spoke about someone owning up to throwing the word “twat” in there. I think I know who did it, as Amber sheepishly sat at the back. She’s an utter cow and she’ll bitch about anyone whenever she’s given the chance. I glared right at her and I don’t know if she saw me or not, but I felt the urge to stare right into her soul and send hate waves over to her.

Jenny was left upset by this, and it only got worse in the afternoon. We had to do a mock team meeting. Now one of Jenny’s friends, Megan, has recently wandered off with another group of girls after sticking by Jenny for a year and a half. Jenny has been quite upset about this, as she can’t understand what she’s done wrong.

We stood outside the classroom, as the meetings weren’t allowed to be disturbed. Megan was leaning on the door, letting all the noise from the girls outside in. Jenny piped up.

“Megan, could you get away from the door? They’re going to be able to hear us all.”

Megan moved. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere: “I’ll do what I like! I don’t have to listen to YOU!!”

Girls started laughing. I could feel rage and shock going through me. I glanced over at Jenny. She sat there in slight shock. Later on, in our final lesson, she snapped and I had to take her outside. She stood on the staircase and clung on to me, crying.

I swear, if that ever happens again, I’ll do what I should of done the first time, and I’ll make those girls back down. Jenny is a fantastic girl, and she didn’t deserve that. Hopefully next time I can pluck the guts up and just go for it.

I was happy to be home when I finally sat down. Being the geek that I am, I fawned over my new knitting magazine and chilled out. I’ve just finished assignment work and I’ve got one more day of college to go and then 1 and a half weeks to do whatever I like. I cannot wait.

The evening slowly went on by. I popped onto facebook.

One of my friends had put up a status, talking about an awesome valentines present she’d either bought or received.

Natalie replied, stating what Kieran had got her.

I read it through. I sat quietly for a moment. I carried on.

That moment was so beautiful to me. I accepted it and moved on. I am SO proud of myself. To others it might be silly, trivial. But to me that was a great step, and I’m so pleased to have taken it.

Jason told me over skype he’d seen photos of Kieran and Natalie together. I asked Jason if perhaps when I went over to his he’d show me. Perhaps it’d be a good idea for me to see photos before I see them in real life. Perhaps then I could be more ready, know what I’d expect to see. I was very confident.

Cosplay picnic photos started popping up, so I decided to add some to my facebook. I clicked into my friends album.

“8 photos of Faramon Kieran.”

“Oh damn” I thought, “I haven’t deleted them all!”

I made a mistake clicking that link.

“More photos of Faramon Kieran” popped up.

I saw what I hadn’t yet planned to see.

I took it in. I couldn’t look at them for too long. Seeing him close up to her. But, again, I accepted it and clicked away. I sat back, slightly shaken. It had been a shock, I wasn’t prepared. But, I had done it. I’d taken a step on my own, seen the photos, and accepted them for what they were.

Today has shown me how nasty people can be. It’s also shown me that things change, that people move on, that fate is going to carry me along and teach me as it goes. I’ll try my best to let fate take me where it needs to go. I obviously wasn’t destined to be with Kieran. If I am meant to love again, then it will happen. If not, then fate will show me what I am here for.

As shouted many a time whilst on Pill’s back yesterday:

“ONWARD!!”